Merry bleedin Christmas

Dear Friends,

With Christmas almost upon us, I'd like to extend my heartfelt
appreciation to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send
me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel
safe, secure, blessed and healthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat crap in the glue
on envelopes? Because I now have to go get a wet towel every time I
need to seal an envelope. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.

Because of your genuine concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because I
know it can remove toilet stains, which is not exactly an appealing
characteristic.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone might drug me with
a cologne sample and rob me.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count, I have 363,214
angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl on the
internet who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all in fact - but that will change once
I receive the £15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special on-line email program.

Yes, I want to thank you all so much for looking out for me that I
will now return the favour!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7
minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diahorrea will land on
your head at 5:00PM this afternoon. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's sisters boyfriend's mothers beautician.

Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year!

My tune of the day: Zoom - Fat Larrys Band